Part 2 – Psychological and Emotional Abuse
Introduction
Greet Mary who worked very hard for you. (Romans 16:6)
In Part 1 of this series on justice, we shared a true story that illustrated physical abuse present in many churches that proceeds from an unbiblical view of gender relationships.
In Part 2 we will tell some stories of women who encounter psychology or emotional abuse. The trauma of constantly feeling belittled is just as real as the trauma from physical battering.
In Part 3 we will discuss the often-overlooked topic of spiritual abuse.
We are seeking to answer some serious biblical, historical, theological, philosophical, and ethical questions in the series on God’s Kingdom Women. We have covered the first four:
1. If men are superior to women, then why doesn’t God say so in his word?
2. If men are in charge, then why have women gotten the blame historically?
3. If men desire to rule by privilege and domination, then why did Jesus become a servant?
4. If men are essentially equal to women, then why are women still forbidden to serve in leadership positions?
5. If men are effective leaders, then why is there still so much abuse in the church and the home?
Abuse comes in many forms including domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, human trafficking, and female infanticide, including gender specific abortion. One out of every four women have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner. If psychological or emotional abuse is included the number increases to one out of every three. It may surprise some to find that statistics for physical abuse inside the church are the same as in the rest of society. If we include spiritual abuse, the rate is even higher.
Mary’s Story: Psychological Abuse
Mary grew up knowing that she could not pursue just any career she wished whether married or not. In Christian homes, boys were taught that they would always be in charge at home and in the church. Little girls are taught that they will always submit to male leadership. It is an essential part of the psychological makeup that they grow up with.
Having been raised in a Christian home Mary knew that she was going to serve others, especially if she got married. Mary decided to serve on the Mission Field. She soon discovered that as a woman she was not in the minority. In fact, she discovered that somewhere between 80 and 85 percent of all single missionaries are women. For every 10 singles sent, only 2 are men.”[1]
Why is that? I believe there are many causes but one of the main reasons is the psychological control that the church has operated under for centuries. Patriarchal churches assume that men will always be in leadership positions and women will submit or serve.
As a patriarchalist, Reverend John Piper explains what “roles” women should have on the mission field. “Historically, the women who have, as singles especially, entered the mission force have been complementarians (My note:” complementarian” to a patriarchalist means “men rule; women submit)”. They would have happily affirmed that when a church is formed here a man in this culture should take over, not a woman,” he said.
According to Rev. Piper’s doctrine, women can go to the mission field and teach women and children, help with translation work, nurse sick people, share the Gospel, and meet the needs of the destitute. When there are enough converts for a church, a man will go to fill the office of elder or pastor. This is what Mary expected when she went on the Mission Field believing it was the way God set it up because male church authorities like Dr. John Piper said so.
Considering many evangelical churches put emphasis on the leadership of men, does it make sense then, that single men are conspicuous by their absence in cross-cultural ministry? Most missionary organizations today are recruiting and commissioning people regardless of gender, trusting a sovereign God that He will accomplish His plan and purpose for extending His Kingdom. They see that the Great Commission was given to all Christians, men and women.
Why is there such an unequal standard in the Church?
Why is this important? Does it matter whether we send out more single female missionaries than male?
It matters if we don’t stop and ask ourselves why there are more women on the mission field. Is this God’s doing and “is marvelous in our eyes”? (Psalm 118:23)
It matters because in so many churches our brothers and sisters are confused about what women can or cannot do. An influential Church leader has published 83 Church ministries in a “decreasing order of ‘authority’ and ‘influence’ needed to minister and participate in these ministries.”[2] Jobs only for men are at the top. Women fall below the line. Many churches follow the teachings of these hierarchal[3] theologians.
It matters because the prevalence of teaching that says that women’s only place is in the home is limiting the task the Lord Jesus gave us. We need the whole army of God marching; women should not be sidelined just because of gender. God Himself is calling and sending many women forth to serve. It matters to our God and certainly to the many lost who will die without Jesus if women are kept home.
It matters if the reason is that there are men who received a legitimate call from God to serve him on the mission field and don’t obey. Why is there only 15%?
It matters because the fact that God has called so many women to serve Him in this way should end for all time the unbiblical argument that women’s service is “rare” or “unnatural”. I don’t think 85% is rare.
I believe that all things being equal there should be a balanced number of men and women on the mission the field, but if God chooses at certain times to do things differently, then He is God after all and He gets to choose. For any of the reasons above or just because He is a sovereign Lord with His own plan, there are more women answering the call to forsake a “normal” life and go forth to rescue the perishing and care for the dying.
If the qualities of humility, kindness, love, and generosity were taught to all of our children along with a faith in God and a truly Biblical understanding of salvation, then why shouldn’t little boys and little girls care equally about spreading the Gospel?
Whatever the reason, my prayer is that more men and women would get a heart for the lost and dying in the world. Mary longed for the day when all Christians, male and female would love humanity enough to go and serve.
Laura’s Story: Emotional Abuse
I had always had misgivings about Laura’s husband, Tyler. Whenever he spoke with anyone, he was really full of himself. He did not so much as converse with people as lecture them. Laura always appeared cheerful with her friends at church. All of the women at her church were submissive wives and showed how spiritual they were by how well they served their husbands. They had a happy, peaceful church, but Laura dreaded going home after the fellowship. Her husband inevitably criticized her for something. He always did. Even when she felt that she did everything right, she was told she was wrong about something. Never mind if she thought she was actually right. In her mind she knew she couldn’t be if her husband said something different. Did not the Bible say that he was always right by virtue of his maleness? The cognitive dissonance eventually gave her bad headaches nearly every day. Her best friend, the wife of an elder, told her she just needed to pray more. Laura suffered because of the fallacious teachings of the church.
Reasons why abuse has not ended in the church:
- We see that men have used the excuse of following religious leaders who tell them it’s ok to “discipline” their wives rather than thinking for themselves.
- Chuck Colson helped us all to see that worldview matters. A worldview that denies that females have equal dignity and worth—that fails to see them as created in God’s image—leads to predictable consequences, such as the shooting of a brave young lady in Pakistan.[4] Christian men should be ashamed that the abuse rate in the church is the same as in the general population. Before Jesus came, women were treated as inferior beings, but Jesus changed all that. He treated women as equal image bearers of God. We should be spreading the message that women have equal dignity and worth.
-
A failure to recognize women’s contributions to the kingdom of God leads patriarchalists to think that women are not as important as men. If asked today what the largest women’s group in history was, most would say that they believe it was the suffrage movement. In fact, the women’s missionary movement surpassed other women’s movements in numbers in the United States from the late nineteenth century through the early twentieth century.[5]
Solution: Learn from the Bible
Another Mary’s Story
Despite those who say that God only uses women in subordinate “roles”, there are a number of women who were called to serve in leadership capacities in both the Old Testament, (Deborah, Huldah, Hannah are examples) and the New Testament. Nowhere in the Bible is there any indication that God used these women because they were His only option after the men failed to obey.
One striking story in the New Testament which shows us that women were not only able to be disciples of Jesus, but sometimes proved to be more intuitive than men is the story of Mary, sister of Martha and Lazarus.
We are all familiar with the story of Martha and Mary. Jesus was their friend and often dined at their home. Martha served the meal while Mary sat at Jesus’ feet learning from Him. Mary had “chosen what is better” (Luke 10:42) and devoted her whole attention to Jesus. She took in His every word, and she comprehended it, in some ways even better than the other disciples. Mary was gifted with the discernment to understand the significance of Jesus’ words.
There is something interesting to note here in the story of Mary.
Jesus shatters cultural expectations by affirming the status of a woman as His disciple. Notice that Mary is sitting at Jesus’ feet, the picture of a disciple. Jesus is the greatest liberator of women the world has ever known. Christian women are free to follow whatever calling the Lord has given them. Christian women are not supposed to be bound by the erroneous, unbiblical psychological expectations set for them.
The Lord would speak of His coming death to the disciples several times in the coming months, but they would not understand or believe it. Peter even exclaimed to Jesus, “God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You” (Matt. 16:22).
We know from the story of when Mary poured the alabaster jar of costly perfume on Jesus’ head that she understood what Jesus was telling them. (John 12:3-7) At this point in the Lord’s life, the chief priests and elders of the people were plotting to kill Him. Jesus had again, for at least the third time, told the disciples that He must be arrested and crucified. They still didn’t get it at this time. They would run away while the women stood at the cross.
When Mary anointed Jesus’ head and feet with the oil, she was showing her gratitude to Him for her own salvation and for saving the life of her brother. She also seemed to understand that Jesus’ time on earth was near an end. She had been attentive to the Lord’s teaching. God had blessed her with understanding. In this story as in all the stories about the incredible women in the New Testament, the women seem to be intuitive and responsive to the Lord’s words.
I pray that men will desire to model Jesus. My prayer is that the church will return to the bible and see what God has to say about his Kingdom Women. Women just want to serve; they just want to share the love of Jesus with others. I pray that men will desire to model Jesus.
[1] Gammage, Lyndsey, “New Statistics on Single Men in Missions” (Mission Network News, Online version, August 16, 2013).
[2] Grudem, Wayne, “But What Should Women Do in the Church?”, Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, Vol. 1 no. 2, Fall, 1995.
[3] I believe that “hierarchical” is a better descriptor in this instance than “complementary” (I Corinthians 11:3).
[4] He is referring to the shooting of Malala Yousuzai, a 14-year-old Pakistani girl who was shot in the head for supporting education for girls. Women may not be shot in the US, but they are still denied many educational opportunities open only to men.
[5] MacLeod, Judith, Woman’s Union Missionary Society, (Interserve, USA, Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, 1999) Pg. 36
God’s Kingdom Women – Justice, Part 2
Part 2 – Psychological and Emotional Abuse
Introduction
Greet Mary who worked very hard for you. (Romans 16:6)
In Part 1 of this series on justice, we shared a true story that illustrated physical abuse present in many churches that proceeds from an unbiblical view of gender relationships.
In Part 2 we will tell some stories of women who encounter psychology or emotional abuse. The trauma of constantly feeling belittled is just as real as the trauma from physical battering.
In Part 3 we will discuss the often-overlooked topic of spiritual abuse.
We are seeking to answer some serious biblical, historical, theological, philosophical, and ethical questions in the series on God’s Kingdom Women. We have covered the first four:
1. If men are superior to women, then why doesn’t God say so in his word?
2. If men are in charge, then why have women gotten the blame historically?
3. If men desire to rule by privilege and domination, then why did Jesus become a servant?
4. If men are essentially equal to women, then why are women still forbidden to serve in leadership positions?
5. If men are effective leaders, then why is there still so much abuse in the church and the home?
Abuse comes in many forms including domestic violence, rape, sexual assault, human trafficking, and female infanticide, including gender specific abortion. One out of every four women have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner. If psychological or emotional abuse is included the number increases to one out of every three. It may surprise some to find that statistics for physical abuse inside the church are the same as in the rest of society. If we include spiritual abuse, the rate is even higher.
Mary’s Story: Psychological Abuse
Mary grew up knowing that she could not pursue just any career she wished whether married or not. In Christian homes, boys were taught that they would always be in charge at home and in the church. Little girls are taught that they will always submit to male leadership. It is an essential part of the psychological makeup that they grow up with.
Having been raised in a Christian home Mary knew that she was going to serve others, especially if she got married. Mary decided to serve on the Mission Field. She soon discovered that as a woman she was not in the minority. In fact, she discovered that somewhere between 80 and 85 percent of all single missionaries are women. For every 10 singles sent, only 2 are men.”[1]
Why is that? I believe there are many causes but one of the main reasons is the psychological control that the church has operated under for centuries. Patriarchal churches assume that men will always be in leadership positions and women will submit or serve.
As a patriarchalist, Reverend John Piper explains what “roles” women should have on the mission field. “Historically, the women who have, as singles especially, entered the mission force have been complementarians (My note:” complementarian” to a patriarchalist means “men rule; women submit)”. They would have happily affirmed that when a church is formed here a man in this culture should take over, not a woman,” he said.
According to Rev. Piper’s doctrine, women can go to the mission field and teach women and children, help with translation work, nurse sick people, share the Gospel, and meet the needs of the destitute. When there are enough converts for a church, a man will go to fill the office of elder or pastor. This is what Mary expected when she went on the Mission Field believing it was the way God set it up because male church authorities like Dr. John Piper said so.
Considering many evangelical churches put emphasis on the leadership of men, does it make sense then, that single men are conspicuous by their absence in cross-cultural ministry? Most missionary organizations today are recruiting and commissioning people regardless of gender, trusting a sovereign God that He will accomplish His plan and purpose for extending His Kingdom. They see that the Great Commission was given to all Christians, men and women.
Why is there such an unequal standard in the Church?
Why is this important? Does it matter whether we send out more single female missionaries than male?
It matters if we don’t stop and ask ourselves why there are more women on the mission field. Is this God’s doing and “is marvelous in our eyes”? (Psalm 118:23)
It matters because in so many churches our brothers and sisters are confused about what women can or cannot do. An influential Church leader has published 83 Church ministries in a “decreasing order of ‘authority’ and ‘influence’ needed to minister and participate in these ministries.”[2] Jobs only for men are at the top. Women fall below the line. Many churches follow the teachings of these hierarchal[3] theologians.
It matters because the prevalence of teaching that says that women’s only place is in the home is limiting the task the Lord Jesus gave us. We need the whole army of God marching; women should not be sidelined just because of gender. God Himself is calling and sending many women forth to serve. It matters to our God and certainly to the many lost who will die without Jesus if women are kept home.
It matters if the reason is that there are men who received a legitimate call from God to serve him on the mission field and don’t obey. Why is there only 15%?
It matters because the fact that God has called so many women to serve Him in this way should end for all time the unbiblical argument that women’s service is “rare” or “unnatural”. I don’t think 85% is rare.
I believe that all things being equal there should be a balanced number of men and women on the mission the field, but if God chooses at certain times to do things differently, then He is God after all and He gets to choose. For any of the reasons above or just because He is a sovereign Lord with His own plan, there are more women answering the call to forsake a “normal” life and go forth to rescue the perishing and care for the dying.
If the qualities of humility, kindness, love, and generosity were taught to all of our children along with a faith in God and a truly Biblical understanding of salvation, then why shouldn’t little boys and little girls care equally about spreading the Gospel?
Whatever the reason, my prayer is that more men and women would get a heart for the lost and dying in the world. Mary longed for the day when all Christians, male and female would love humanity enough to go and serve.
Laura’s Story: Emotional Abuse
I had always had misgivings about Laura’s husband, Tyler. Whenever he spoke with anyone, he was really full of himself. He did not so much as converse with people as lecture them. Laura always appeared cheerful with her friends at church. All of the women at her church were submissive wives and showed how spiritual they were by how well they served their husbands. They had a happy, peaceful church, but Laura dreaded going home after the fellowship. Her husband inevitably criticized her for something. He always did. Even when she felt that she did everything right, she was told she was wrong about something. Never mind if she thought she was actually right. In her mind she knew she couldn’t be if her husband said something different. Did not the Bible say that he was always right by virtue of his maleness? The cognitive dissonance eventually gave her bad headaches nearly every day. Her best friend, the wife of an elder, told her she just needed to pray more. Laura suffered because of the fallacious teachings of the church.
Reasons why abuse has not ended in the church:
A failure to recognize women’s contributions to the kingdom of God leads patriarchalists to think that women are not as important as men. If asked today what the largest women’s group in history was, most would say that they believe it was the suffrage movement. In fact, the women’s missionary movement surpassed other women’s movements in numbers in the United States from the late nineteenth century through the early twentieth century.[5]
Solution: Learn from the Bible
Another Mary’s Story
Despite those who say that God only uses women in subordinate “roles”, there are a number of women who were called to serve in leadership capacities in both the Old Testament, (Deborah, Huldah, Hannah are examples) and the New Testament. Nowhere in the Bible is there any indication that God used these women because they were His only option after the men failed to obey.
One striking story in the New Testament which shows us that women were not only able to be disciples of Jesus, but sometimes proved to be more intuitive than men is the story of Mary, sister of Martha and Lazarus.
We are all familiar with the story of Martha and Mary. Jesus was their friend and often dined at their home. Martha served the meal while Mary sat at Jesus’ feet learning from Him. Mary had “chosen what is better” (Luke 10:42) and devoted her whole attention to Jesus. She took in His every word, and she comprehended it, in some ways even better than the other disciples. Mary was gifted with the discernment to understand the significance of Jesus’ words.
There is something interesting to note here in the story of Mary.
Jesus shatters cultural expectations by affirming the status of a woman as His disciple. Notice that Mary is sitting at Jesus’ feet, the picture of a disciple. Jesus is the greatest liberator of women the world has ever known. Christian women are free to follow whatever calling the Lord has given them. Christian women are not supposed to be bound by the erroneous, unbiblical psychological expectations set for them.
The Lord would speak of His coming death to the disciples several times in the coming months, but they would not understand or believe it. Peter even exclaimed to Jesus, “God forbid it, Lord! This shall never happen to You” (Matt. 16:22).
We know from the story of when Mary poured the alabaster jar of costly perfume on Jesus’ head that she understood what Jesus was telling them. (John 12:3-7) At this point in the Lord’s life, the chief priests and elders of the people were plotting to kill Him. Jesus had again, for at least the third time, told the disciples that He must be arrested and crucified. They still didn’t get it at this time. They would run away while the women stood at the cross.
When Mary anointed Jesus’ head and feet with the oil, she was showing her gratitude to Him for her own salvation and for saving the life of her brother. She also seemed to understand that Jesus’ time on earth was near an end. She had been attentive to the Lord’s teaching. God had blessed her with understanding. In this story as in all the stories about the incredible women in the New Testament, the women seem to be intuitive and responsive to the Lord’s words.
I pray that men will desire to model Jesus. My prayer is that the church will return to the bible and see what God has to say about his Kingdom Women. Women just want to serve; they just want to share the love of Jesus with others. I pray that men will desire to model Jesus.
[1] Gammage, Lyndsey, “New Statistics on Single Men in Missions” (Mission Network News, Online version, August 16, 2013).
[2] Grudem, Wayne, “But What Should Women Do in the Church?”, Journal for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, Vol. 1 no. 2, Fall, 1995.
[3] I believe that “hierarchical” is a better descriptor in this instance than “complementary” (I Corinthians 11:3).
[4] He is referring to the shooting of Malala Yousuzai, a 14-year-old Pakistani girl who was shot in the head for supporting education for girls. Women may not be shot in the US, but they are still denied many educational opportunities open only to men.
[5] MacLeod, Judith, Woman’s Union Missionary Society, (Interserve, USA, Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, 1999) Pg. 36
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